Burdened with scrupulosity since childhood, Hillary Ibarra cultivates peace by walking and praying the Rosary.
I suffer from scrupulosity. This means my mind feels as if it is constantly at war with itself, plagued by repetitive blasphemous or impure thoughts that I fight fiercely to reject. It means I examine my daily sins, and they always feel serious, and I am overcome with fear. It means I question whether I should receive the Eucharist many Sundays. It means my relationship with Confession is complicated; that I run to Confession frequently, sometimes every few days, and wish I could have faith in God’s mercy and receive Reconciliation just once a month; and that I analyze my confessions afterward and wonder whether they were good enough, whether I stated all my sins correctly.
It means, too, that Confession blesses me with greatly desired peace that washes over me with the power of the Love of God. That beautiful peace, however, leaves me too soon, and I land back in old, unsettling territory.
Scrupulosity is exhausting. And truthfully? Frightening.
The thoughts that plague me have been part of my spiritual survival story since I was eight or nine years old. They interrupt my prayers. They invade during Sunday Mass. They have been my cross and thorn in the flesh since long before I became Catholic, but being Catholic has made my battle with scrupulosity more challenging.
Yet, I borrow strength from knowing that many saints such as St. Thérèse of Lisieux (my Confirmation saint) and St. Alphonsus Liguori suffered from scrupulosity in their own unique ways and walked with Jesus faithfully to the end of their lives despite it. They did not quit their spiritual journey, and I will not either, though I am sometimes tempted to do so.
I have also gained a great weapon as a Catholic. No matter how anxious and uncertain and mentally burdened I feel, I can walk and pray the Rosary, and during the Rosary I move beyond my scrupulosity to reliance on God’s mercy. Though I get distracted and repeat prayers and disturbing thoughts still halt me sometimes, the Mysteries of the Rosary are my great companions, always pointing me toward the love and mercy of God.
Here are a few benefits of my morning Rosary walks:
I am surrounded by the glory of God, feel my strength renewed, and experience gratitude
After dropping off my kids at school, I often take my Rosary walk in a city park with a view of the mountains. The sun tops those mountains as I begin my prayer journey. In the warmth of those morning rays, in the shade of the many trees, in the chatter and flight of birds, and in the smell of grass and bright flowering shrubs, I feel the love of God surround and refresh me as I reflect on His Son’s life.
I also feel the strength and resiliency of my own body, a gift from God. My morning walk does not only benefit my mental and spiritual health, but my physical health improves with every mile, and I thank God for His great glory that includes the amazing bodies, minds, and spirits that He gave to human beings, His children.
I forget myself
Scrupulosity can become self-obsession laden with pride, wrestling with internal knots, trying to discern one’s own sins. The Rosary draws me out of myself as I pray for others and meditate on Jesus’s miracles, and the beat of my feet on a gravel path or sidewalk mercifully keeps me in prayer rhythm, united to Christ’s footsteps.
I come to know Jesus better
I have loved Jesus since I can remember, but sometimes I feel as if I do not know our Lord well. While some may concentrate on a soft, embraceable Jesus and ignore His stronger or harsher words, I can fixate on the harder things He spoke and feel as if there is nothing, I can do to meet His standards. I become overwhelmed by my faults instead of trusting Him to complete the good work He has begun in me.
During my Rosary walks I experience Jesus’s love and mercy through the Mysteries of His life. He accompanies me, and the image of His eternal goodness is before me. I lay down my burdens at His feet with greater confidence as I lift up others in prayer. I grow closer to Jesus with every step, every Our Father, every Hail Mary, and I recognize that He will never leave nor forsake me. I also feel the embrace and compassion of Mother Mary and know that she is praying for me and for every person in my intentions.
If you suffer from scrupulosity, no matter what unique form it takes, I recommend a morning or evening Rosary walk. You can pray a decade, two, or all five. You can walk in your neighborhood or a park, on your lunch break or with your dog after work. However long it is or wherever it leads you, I pray you find the Peace of Christ in your Rosary walk as I have done and feel your strength and joy renewed.
Copyright 2022 Hillary Ibarra
Images: (top, image 3) Canva; (image 2) copyright 2022 Hillary Ibarra, all rights reserved