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Speak Up! The Negative Effects of Self Silencing

Speak Up! The Negative Effects of Self Silencing

Faith on the Couch

We all have a desire to “keep the peace,” and because of this, we tend to do a lot to maintain our relationships.

Often, one of these tendencies is to self-silence—to not speak up for ourselves, express our needs, or vocalize our needed boundaries. We think that filtering ourselves, or keeping our needs to ourselves helps us to “keep everyone happy.”

New research, however, shows that there are a great deal of negative effects that come from self-silencing. Not only does this practice not help us develop the types of relationships we deserve to have, but it actually is detrimental to our physical health as well. Researchers have found that individuals who self-silence—particularly women—have increased carotid plaque buildup, which could lead to a stroke or other cardiovascular problems.

Speaking up—respectfully and effectively—to get our needs met is crucial for our mental and physical health. Here are three ways to effectively speak up:

Making the implicit explicit—when someone says or does something that hurts your feelings, don’t keep it bottled up inside. Instead, say something like, “I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by this, but when you did ____ or said ____ I felt hurt (or specifically state what you felt). What did you intend to mean by that?” Saying something like this phrase is effective because it offers the other person the benefit of the doubt—we are not accusing them of anything, however it asks the clarifying question to better understand the other person’s intention.

Look for solutions—When you and another person have differing needs or opinions, ask the question, “What can we do to get everyone’s needs met?” This helps convey that there are options and that no one’s needs are less important than another’s.

Create healthy habits—Create a routine where you and your spouse/significant other ask each other, “What can I do to make your day better?” This helps build the rapport between you and your spouse to say, “I want to work for your good.” Likewise, when we are in this habit of asking and being asked what we need to have a good day, it makes it easier for us to ask for something when a need arises.

For more on how to effectively communicate our needs with others, tune in to More2Life—weekdays at 10am EST/9am C on EWTN, SiriusXM 130 and check out God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!

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Copyright 2019  Rachael Popcak and Dr. Gregory Popcak

Image Copyright Stock photo ID:1098401588

This article was originally published at Patheos.com and is shared here with permission.

About Dr. Gregory Popcak and Rachael Popcak

Dr. Gregory Popcak (POP-chak) is the Founder and Executive Director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute. The author of almost 20 popular books & programs integrating solid Catholic theology and counseling psychology, he is an expert on the practical applications of Pope John Paul the Great’s Theology of the Body. Together with his wife, Lisa, he hosts More2Life Radio, a call-in, advice program heard M-F at 10am E/ 9amC on almost 400 stations affiliated with the EWTN radio network and SiriusXM Satellite Radio Channel 130. Dr. Popcak is a Fellow of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors (FAAPC), a Board Certified Diplomate (BCD) of the American Board of Examiners in Clinical Social Work, and a winner of the Fr. Richard M. Hogan Award for Contributions to the Social Sciences. He is the Chair of the Marriage and Family Studies program at Holy Apostles College and Seminary and serves as an adjunct professor of both psychology and graduate theology at Franciscan University. Dr. Popcak’s articles appear regularly in various Catholic periodicals and his work has been featured on FoxNews, NPR’s Here and Now, the Los Angeles Times, Washington Post, Ladies Home Journal, and The National Enquirer. Rachael Popcak, MSW, LSW, is a counseling associate of the Pastoral Solutions Institute. Rachael completed her undergraduate studies in Psychology at Franciscan University of Steubenville and obtained her Masters in Social Work (Clinical Specialization) from the University of Pittsburgh. She is a Licensed Social Worker and has received additional advanced training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, Gottman Relational Therapy, and the neurobiology of attachment and trauma. Rachael holds certificates in Direct Practice Mental Health (University of Pittsburgh), Evidence Based Suicide Prevention and Intervention (VYNE Education) and TeleMental Health (Zur Institute). Before joining the Pastoral Solutions Institute, Rachael worked in a variety of outpatient mental health and counseling settings. She serves as the editor and contributing writer for the Pastoral Solutions Institute blog, Faith On The Couch, on Patheos.com. Rachael’s clinical approach is rooted in a strengths-based perspective, helping individuals discover and develop their innate resources and apply them in creative ways to life and relationship challenges.