Saved by Hope

I was barely a teenager when I became chronically ill. It was just before my 13th birthday, lining up in the school hall, completely oblivious that my world was about to change and all my hopes and dreams were about to vaporize. 

Within 20 minutes, I was experiencing symptoms that gradually became worse, and I was eventually bedridden. I missed about three months of school, and although I ultimately returned to school, I continued to struggle with attending full-time. 

My friends informed me that the school had held a meeting with the entire Year 7 grade, during which the school counsellor explained that I was unwell and that when I returned, everyone was to treat me with kindness and say hello.

A New, Unwanted Identity 

I was suddenly given a new identity. I was no longer known as Allison but as the sick girl. This new identity took over my life. I was treated differently as if there was no hope for me. Nobody expected much of me, and well-meaning people constantly asked or spoke only about my ill health. It was all people could see. People could no longer see beyond the chronic health issues.

I hated it so much that I started wearing make-up to hide my pale skin and dark circles under my eyes. I tried to present myself as a happy and healthy person. But it was all an act, and through this act, I continued to lose my identity even more. I continued to wear different masks to conceal what was happening. Sometimes, I couldn't keep up the facade, and I would crumble in anxiety and depression. 

My struggle with chronic illness was not just physical but also emotional. I was experiencing a lot of rejection and bullying from kids at school who were supposed to be my friends. I started feeling paranoid and anxious just being around people as I felt like everyone was always talking about me behind my back. It took all my strength just to show up. Physically, I was beyond exhausted, and brain fog prevented me from reaching my true potential in school. Mentally, I was on the edge.

Hope Found in Change

I found relief in my drama class, where I could channel all my emotions through the character or part I was playing, though this too soon became another mask to hide behind. It was a relief to play another character and hide behind the persona I would create for the role. However, the bullying and rejection I faced at school only added to my struggle, making it harder for me to maintain a positive outlook. 

I continued to lose my identity as I grew into adulthood, married, and became a mother. I would constantly hide behind the mask of perfectionism, afraid that if anyone saw the real me — the truth — I would not be loved and would instead be quickly rejected. I was always running on nervous energy and heightened anxiety. I would stumble over my words and actions, having no self-confidence. 

Something needed to change, but I had no idea what, as my chronic health issues were here to stay. 

A Return to Faith Brought Hope

When I was 16, I stopped attending Mass, and it wasn't until after my husband and I had our first child that I strongly felt God calling me back to the Church. From then, a small flicker of hope took alight, which I carried with me through the years. 

Eventually, the Lord brought me to a community where I would receive the love and support I needed. 

My faith deepened to new depths and became my anchor and source of strength in all areas of my life. As I began to organize my spiritual life and practice a rule of life that included daily mental prayer and spiritual direction, my hope in the Lord increased significantly. 

Through prayer and my strengthened relationship with God, I have found the courage and strength to face my daily battles. Over time, God made it evident that He had crowned me as His beloved daughter and that my identity was found only through Him. 

Through this identity, I have grown confident in knowing who I am and to whom I belong. My belief in my identity through Christ has me standing taller with a joyful knowledge that I belong to Him. Because I belong to Him, other people's views or perceptions of me don't matter or even measure up to the delight the Lord has found in me. I am free in this identity and no longer held down by chains placed upon me by others. The Lord broke these chains and replaced them with a glorious crown. My hope is found in the Lord as His beloved daughter. He is my beloved, and I am His. 

For the Jubilee of Hope, our writers reflect on prayer as a source of hope in their lives.

Copyright 2025 Allison Brown
Images: Holy Cross Family Ministries