Seasons of Prayer

One of the phrases I had to tell myself over and over in the months following the birth of my last baby was, “This is just a phase. I will not be nursing forever; I will sleep again.” I have a tendency to have tunnel vision about whatever difficult moment I am in and feel it will last forever. Stepping back and looking at the big picture has helped me to see that the moment I am in is just a small blip on the radar of my life.  

Different Season, Different Growth

Life, like nature, is full of changing seasons and different kinds of growth happen during each season. It’s after a hot summer that you get excited about the first snowfall. You need the decay of fall leaves in the soil to get ready for the spring blooms. The same is true for my prayer life. As I look back on the seasons of prayer during different phases of life, all the varied practices served my spirituality for the time that I needed it. 

Growing my young faith

 As a high-schooler, I spent my Friday nights in adoration and fellowship with a prayer community. I read my Bible in my bedroom and hung Scripture quotes on my wall. Although I wrestled internally a lot with conversion, these practices gave me a daily foundation of faith to build upon. 

In college at Franciscan University of Steubenville, I lived and breathed my faith, going to daily Mass, studying theology, praying holy hours, and doing ministry for fun in my spare time. This was a time of deep growth in my relationship with God as I poured out my heart to Him in the chapel and stretched myself with vulnerability in community and leadership in ministry. 

Battling stagnation in young adulthood

After graduating I worked in youth ministry where my spiritual life was still rooted in daily Mass and holy hours. I’m not sure I would admit this at the time, but a part of my interior life became stagnant. I took great pride in my daily Mass attendance and outward devotions, proving to myself how holy I really was. Although I could not admit it at the time, I began to rely on myself rather than God for my good works.  

God, in His mercy, had a remedy for that: a husband and three children in very rapid succession. I could no longer go to daily Mass and Adoration whenever I wanted. I had to spend my day on my children’s needs. I had a spouse to think of instead of just myself. I couldn’t wake up early to pray after I had been up all night with the baby. My hormones drove my feelings, and I often felt like I was drowning. 

Handing my troubles over to God

In the season of small children, I couldn’t rely on external practices to prove I was a good Christian. At first, all I could see was my misery. I wallowed in it for a while before finally handing over these perceived failures, and it was then that God was able to work. Not in my extraordinary list of prayers, but my heart-wrenching sobs for God to enter into the hard parts of my life. It was the small recognition of God’s presence in the little daily tasks. This season of prayer was so internal that you couldn’t see it on the outside. Like a seed sprouting in the ground, the fruit only came after a season in the dark.  

Deepening the relationship

The last few years I have been diving deeper into my relationship with God through spiritual direction and contemplative prayer. Sometimes it happens in the chapel, sometimes I write it down, or sometimes it’s in the shower. I no longer feel guilt for not “praying the right way” because I see the beauty of each season. And now that my kids are getting older, I can again begin to slip away to the Adoration chapel here and there.  

My relationship with the Trinity is deeper precisely because of the struggles of the other seasons and the freshness of entering a new one. There have even been seasons of distance from God. Still, God uses everything, even my sin, to show me my misery when far from Him, and His desire to bring me back. These changing seasons are not a linear path up a mountain of holiness, but rather a switchback with many turns and repetitions. Sometimes I find myself in a similar spot as in the past, but with a fresh angle or different perspective.  

As I look to the future, there will be new seasons of prayer when I’m not homeschooling or have children at home. I try to be aware that they will come with their challenges and blessings; striving to be present to the season I am in. 

Embrace your season

Whatever season you are in, it’s just that, a season. God never withdraws His presence, but He does reveal it in different ways depending on the circumstances of your life. The challenge is to embrace the highs and lows of that time to grow in the ways that God is inviting you to.